Arses V Spurs

If, as most of us do, Spurs fans accept that the usual roller coaster of a season will continue as normal then Saturday's game against the Woolwich Wanderers will be a dismal affair. Afterthe shockingly brilliant performance against Inter at the Lane I was actually excited as we drove towards that monument to banality that is the Reebok Stadium a couple of weeks ago. I joked that we'd probably play like donkeys but felt that we couldn't be that bad. In fact we weren't that bad. We were worse. It was abject from front to back of the team. Half decent Lancastrian pies didn't go far to ease the pain. Pav's goal was the only hight point in a game that made Bolton look like title contenders.

The draw with Sunderland in the week has only just been made to look half decent after their annihilation of Chelski but we were back to winning ways versus Blackburn. The peak of the roller coaster upturn was not the end of the game mind you. It was about 65 minutes in when we should have been cruising comfortably at 4-0. As is usual with both roller coasters and Spurs the downward rush was fast, shocking and yet pretty predictable. Only Spurs could panic at 4-0 and, to be honest, it could have been 4-4 at the end. Mind you, it could just have easily been 10-6. Defences are often likened to leaky buckets full of holes but Spurs' is more like the Maginot line: A big no entry sign in one or two places but some bloody obvious and easy ways round. Gallas is Belgium in this analogy.

With all that in mind we have some way to go before our cart rumbles towards another upturn. Our only hope is that we get there before the end of the Arse match. If we keep the first half down to 3 or fewer goals against we might prevent humiliation by getting a couple back. I can't say I'm looking forward to it.

Why I love the Guardian

If I'd set this for myself as an essay I could go on for ages. I am sure there are better reasons than this but for me it's those unexpected moments of pleasure that set it apart from the rest. My second flick through the last Saturday's sports pages meant that I didn't miss a real gem. It, as they say, is funny because it's true.

"Footprints of astronauts who landed on the moon should last at least 10 million years since the moon has no atmosphere. For the exact same reason, stud marks of footballers who play at Stamford Bridge should last at least 20 million years."

The same can't be said for the Stadium of Light. I'd have enjoyed it a lot more if Spurs had fielded an actual team rather than grannies in disguise. Highlight of the game was Bent's two missed penalities. After his second goal, the mackems sang "are you watching Fabio?" After his second miss we sang exactly the same thing.

Spurs fans are, of course, partisan, but they're also fair. Steed Malbranque played very well on Saturday and was one reason (of many) why they mauled us. He got applause and the customary 'Steeeed' from Spurs and was applauded off after the aforementioned mauling. Bent, on the other hand, is a class A tosser it has to be said. His Spurs tattoo concealed beneath his Sunderland shirt he mocked the Spurs fans like it was us that said Harry Rednkapp's missus could have taken chances for us that he hadn't. I used to defend him and always said there was a role for him. I take it all back. His mockery is a declaration of war. He won the first battle but the haranguing he got after that must have had some impact on his feeble penalty efforts and help explain his substitution. I know that from now on he'll not get applause when he comes to the Lane (like he did earlier on in the season) but vilification and derisory cheers for every fluffed effort.

Darren, You'll never play for England.