Thursday, 28 June 2007

Beige Food

My sister eats vegetables. Out of choice. She even likes broccoli. In line with most of the normal blokes I know, I tend to feel that this is, of course, one of those unfathomable behaviours exhibited by people who wear hand knitted underwear or who had the misfortune to be born in the developing world or the middle ages. I know I am supposed to have 5 portions a day and drink 15 gallons of purified yak's blood or something but, let's face it, the devil's vomit has got to be more palatable than broccoli. I liked brussells sprouts* for a while (in my green period) but I soon realised that the sprout was no more than the Mata Hari of vegetables trying to lure me into betraying my carnivorous allegiances. When I'm hungry I don't crave green, I crave beige.

It was my sister who first pointed out how my food tended to be beige and she was right. I like potatoes, pies and... well that's enough to fill up any man. I will eat vegetables but, like some kid desperate to earn the right to have pudding, I stuff them down quickly before I get to the good stuff.

However, yesterday I had a radical re-think of my food preferences when my dinner turned out like this:

I still ate it but it made me a bit sad really. I suddenly wanted a sophisticated , multicoloured evening meal. I vowed that today I'd eat healthy and verdant food. I started with a bowl of porrage (not sure how that's spelt):
I know it's beige but it's part of my work's healthy employee initiative and is free. I put sugar on it because it tastes pretty much like it looks. Lunch options were limited but I did have a quarter of a tomato and a leaf of that really long lettuce with my crisps. I so wanted to make something good for tea but it's all gone wrong. The cash point has run out of money and I wasn't going to use my card to buy a couple of vegetables so... we have chicken dippers, chips and beans for tea. Best laid plans and all that...

Off subject only marginally, me and best mate had a ruby the other night in Bradford. It wasn't the best I have to say. Maybe it was the short curly black hair I found in the lime pickle that tainted the meal. BUT they did this pudding (called 'funky pie') and it was lush.

I think I may have two vitamin supplements today.


*somehow that doesn't sound right. But then neither does brussell sprouts.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

PORRIDGE

(AMENDED BY THE PORRIDGE SURVEILLANCE OFFICER)

Matt said...

thank you madam

Anonymous said...

Incorrect assumption...or is that another Yorkshire custom, 'love'?

Matt said...

gender is meaningless in the ether

Warning