Monday, 13 July 2009

Black and white wedding

Typically I wear my one suit to all funerals, interviews and weddings. This weekend I had a wedding to go to and decided beforehand that I needed to do something different. I toyed with the idea of a chicken suit or my regular unironed and decrepit look but instead went out and did something that usually makes me very irritable: I bought new clothes. My girl had said she'd buy me something but scared the crap out of me when she said she'd seen a 'really nice brown suit'. Images of my geography teacher in his beige, elbow-patched, corduroy suit loomed large and the panic that ensued was enough to get my backside to the shed shops. Of course I did get irritable and I apologise unreservedly for asking one shop assistant "Do I look like a tosser?" when she suggested some shoes with lime green soles. (I think I know what her answer would have been). I came away with what I figured was adequately smart: a white collar-less shirt, black waistcoat, black cotton trousers and a belt to hold things in and up. I dutifully reported this to my lifestyle guru and she was even less than non-committal: "hmmm, sounds like it'll crease" I think were her exact words.

I lost all confidence in these clothes on the morning of the wedding and spent a good 2 hours trying to iron all of them (except the belt). I got so hot and bothered by this I had to re-shower. 1 point to the funeral suit. When I turned up at the pre-wedding rendezvous I was surprised when I wasn't greeted with howls of derisive laughter and some of my confidence returned. New clothes claw it back to 1-1.

We arrived at the wedding with a massive bunch of flowers and I sought out someone who looked like they were in charge. I approached a woman who was obviously the bride's sister (they looked similar- there wasn't a badge system or anything) "Where shall I put these?"
"Come with me..." We ran up the stairs and into some private back room. "Where's the other bunch?" she demanded.
"I only bought one,sorry. They're a present."
"Oh, I thought you were the flower delivery guy."
2-1 to the funeral suit I think.

We sat down and it wasn't long before I understood why so many people had seemed to be saying 'excuse me' in Turkish (it was a Turkish wedding) as I walked past: I was dressed exactly the same as the waiters. 3-1 to the funeral suit.

Apart from that everything was brilliant: Great people, plentiful food and drink, good company at our table, loads of comedy dancing and excellent music. May H and F be very happy for many many years in┼čallah (this is Turkish spelling I understand). If they need flowers delivering or tables serving I have just the outfit.

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