Monday, 7 July 2008

The lovely Samantha

Mass grief a la Lady Di has always struck me as odd. I have never felt that affinity for people in the public eye that seems to afflict a lot of people. I don't know whether that makes me cold, cynical and unfeeling or just a bit supercilious but I do know that when I heard Humphrey Lyttleton had died I got a taste of the grief people feel for someone they don't actually know. I'm not a big Jazz fan but appreciate the technical ability of the man. However it was his humour and role on I'm sorry I haven't a clue that I will miss. Within that it was his "Samantha" innuendos that nearly made me crash several times whilst listening on the way home form work on a Friday night. My own, admittedly limp, tribute is a collection of lovely Samanthas.

"She's popped out to visit an old gentleman friend of hers who's a notorious curmudgeon. However, she finds that if she butters him up properly she can sometimes get him to splash out."

“Samantha has to go now as she’s off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who’s taking her out for an ice-cream. She says she likes to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan”

“After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst’s beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider”

"Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to play roulette all day and poker all night"

"Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow."

"Samantha is something of a keen horse woman, and she tells me that she's off to see a trainer who's offered her the chance of a couple of races he wants her to contest. She's quite excited, as he's prepared to drop his jockeys to enter her at Newmarket."

"Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based aperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liquor out on the balcony."

“Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramophone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. Their favourite treat is cheese with home-made chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.”

“Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that’s growing in her privet. Obviously she’s keen not to miss him if there’s a chance she may have an Old Man’s Beard in her bush.”

Not half as funny in print as when uttered with his iconic voice and classic timing but brilliant all the same in my view.

"Well as the vanquished charwoman of time begins to shake-n- vac the shagpile of eternity I've noticed we've just ran out of time"

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