Good Luck Mate

Best mate Chrabisb is getting married tomorrow. Was hoping to be best man but I think he's smuggling his real best mate up from Bristol. It doesn't matter because Chrabisb said I could be best man at his next wedding. Anyway, here's the speech I haven't prepared; extemporised without alcoholic impediment.

Ladies and Gentleman...may I have your attention please.... We have been friends or more than 20 years...yadda yadda....

It's traditional to make fun of the groom on these occasions though, to be frank, there's little to ridicule. Apart from that which is ridiculously little of course.

Chrabisb, like me, is a Spurs man. Tonight he'll be hoping that he can do what Spurs, and he, managed last season for the first time in a long time: get beyond the semis. In fact his passion for the club is surprisingly strong. Just this morning he must have been watching the highlights of some game whilst getting ready: "Come on Bent boy... let's slot one in" I heard him shout from behind the door. I was surspised when that young page boy came out the room later though- he really doesn't look like a footy fan to me.

I'm told by his mother-in-law that Chrabisb has been involved in the planning of this wedding from the start. Apparently he chose the flowers and cake and even had a hand in the bridesmaids' dresses.

I have some telegrams here...Someone called Simon Binladen wishes you all the best and hopes you enjoyed his emissary's little joke during the service about the fiery pits and what you must do to avoid them! Friends from Pakistan have sent you what seems like a very cryptic message and a tiny balloon: 'To the best trek leader: please accept this to protect your mango'. Finally there's one here from Yakasumi Nakamoto's Tokyo Extravaganza bar which simply says: 'we're solly to lose our best customer'.

As you know Chrabisb is a rope access worker. He must be very good. You only have to ask and he's accessed a bit of rope in no time. On the rigs and at the refinery he's in charge of inspecting pipes- clearly this is a job for which he is eminently qualified. When it comes to fixing leaks and improving capacity he hands over to a colleague though.

Finally I just like to say that I hope his bride isn't too disappointed this evening when she discovers that all that "saving up" he's been doing wasn't actually money.

Right I got all that off my chest: bet you're glad it's not a cheesy traditional one mate. Me and my girl and the boy wish you both all the very best for the future.