Credit crunch

There are a few moments in my life that still provoke such pained embarrassment that I couldn't possibly divulge them here. Those moments of sudden realisation that I have been a complete arse are not that dissimilar to another emotional sensation: the heart stopping moments when you realise something seems to have gone horribly wrong. This could, and often does, run snugly alongside the embarrassment feeling but it is also just as likely to be someone else's fault. Things like:

-the moment you know someone is going to pull out in front of your dozy mate and you're going to hit him at 60MPH and all you can do is say 'BASTARD' instead of something useful like 'I say, look out'

-the moment after you distribute a public examination paper and the students have started writing when you realise that someone has given you next week's paper by mistake

-The moment after you have spent hours trying to explain to a relative that your girlfriend is vegetarian and, lulled into a false sense of security, you are happy with the quiche they prepared only to hear them say 'He told me you didn't eat meat so I picked all the bacon out of your portion'

-the moment the doors of a train open, you start to get aboard (head first of course) only to find the doors slamming shut on your face, projecting your glasses into the middle of a packed carriage and leaving you with two black stripes down your face that you don't notice until you get to work and the pretty girl that works in the security office points them out

Now some of the above may or may not have happened to me; really they're just there to help you empathise with the feelings. Worse than all those though was the feeling I got last night when checking my various bank accounts only to find the one that was supposed to have a very healthy balance instead read £7.31. It took me a visit to the bank this morning to find out what they'd done with my money but that initial feeling of shock that I'd been scammed or the government had used my money to bail out Trevor's Merseyside Bank or something was awful. Surprisingly I regained my composure quite quickly, assuming that they had transferred it somewhere else. This is in fact what had happened and they tell me they're going to put it back. From now on I'm going to keep it under my mattress. I live at 34 Acacia Avenue...