Transfer weirdo

I can see two patterns developing:

1. Spurs are signing all their old players while Harry Redknapp gradually morphs into Martin Jol behind the scenes. Defoe, Chimbumba and Keano are all back. Robinson is waiting for a call (but keeps dropping the phone), Malbranque has already put on his bowler hat and checked the knife at the end of his umbrella and Jimmy Greaves is said to be in training.

2. Arsene Wenger of Arsenal has finally gone mad. His lack of signings has been a mystery up until now but North and South can exclusively reveal that his new policy is to only sign players with bum related names hence to swoop on Andrei ArseShaving. He's said to be upset that he missed out on Danny Shittu and Benoit Ass-ooh Akkotto.