Monday, 11 June 2007

Language and football

I just happened across the current Premiership table on the BBC website and was shocked to discover that Spurs are in a relegation position. Even worse, A*****l are top. How can we expect to compete if we’re so disadvantaged by our name? To remedy this I propose one or more of the following to be put in place before the start of next season:

1. A*****l renamed Zarsenal

2. Spurs lose 125 years association with the cockerel and adopt the aardvark as both emblem and part of their name.

3. The FA (and, for convenience, the rest of the country) adopt GB Shaw’s so called ‘Shavian’ script. As you can see ‘p’ sound comes first then ‘t’ and the example is ‘Tot’ . Clearly Shaw had Spurs in mind when constructing it and had no idea Pompey would be in the top flight. I also notice that the vowel sounds are right the way down his list; need I say more?

4. In line with the FA’s remit to get players and clubs to set a better example to young people, points are deducted from teams that have rude words in their names. This is doubled if the manager also has a rude word as part of his name. This is tripled if the rude word is the same in the team’s and manager’s name since it is clear that the club has an anti societal, anarchistic swearing agenda. Teams with very very rude words in their names should be relegated to the conference. Thus, Scunthorpe’s efforts this season will have all been in vain.

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